Regrets
by Elphaba713
Summary: Buffy thinks about her main regret.


Regrets

Author: DarkWillow

Disclaimer: Characters are not mine. Wish they were… oh, well, can't have everything.

Rating: PG

Warning: If you're bothered by the female/female pairing, you may not want to read this.

Distribution: Want, ASK, take, have. Just give me credit for my writing, okay?

Feedback: Please! I love knowing how I'm doing.

Spoilers: A few small ones. If you know the show pretty well, you'll be good.

Pairings: Buffy/Willow, of course.

Summary: About a year after season 7, Buffy thinks back about the things she regrets.

Author's Notes: Slightly AU. Lol, and now I've fixed the name yet again! Heh, maybe I should just forget the middle name… but that'd be odd. Oh, well.

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Buffy and Willow stood side by side in a sunny, green, and well-kept cemetery. There was a new tombstone standing in the shade of a young weeping willow tree. It was only a few days old; a double-headstone, a couple buried together. Willow stared at it for a moment, a pensive expression on her face. "Kinda makes you think, huh?" she asked Buffy after a minute.

Buffy nodded. "Yeah, it does." She looked at the tombstone for a moment before glancing over at Willow. She now wore a thoughtful, almost sad expression, and Buffy reached over to take her hand. Willow sighed.

"Buffy? Is there anything you really regret?" she asked softly.

Buffy hesitated a moment. Things she regretted… a string of memories and thoughts came flowing through her mind.

'The first time I met Willow… I remember seeing her at that drinking fountain, and instantly I felt drawn to her. Don't ask me why. Maybe it was because I thought she might need a friend. Maybe it was because of that look she gave me. Maybe it was just because she was pretty. All I know is that I soon found out that it wasn't her who needed me… it was me who needed her.

'I knew she liked Xander. She told me that. And I wanted to help her out, and it was so ironic that Xander liked me. I thought once that we had a regular love triangle going. And then she seemed to get over Xander, and for a while there I might have had a chance. But, of course, there was Angel. And by the time he was gone, Willow had Oz.

'It wasn't long, though, before Oz left. Poor Wil was devastated. I know I should have done more to help her, but I was so wrapped up in myself right around then that I totally missed all the opportunities that were open to me. I was so stupid. But I was scared, too. How would she respond to another girl's affections?

'Then came Tara. That was a hard blow. I saw then how she responded, and knew what I had missed. But it never occurred to me to wish that Tara would leave her, like Oz did; never occurred to me to wish anything but happiness on them. I hated that I had missed out on so much, but I could see the love there. Willow deserved that love, and she had so much love to give in return. It was all my fault that I wasn't the one she was giving that love to.

'Then I died. It was Wil who brought me back. And I was mad at her. I was stupid enough to be mad at her. So much was going on around me, she was falling apart in front of me, and I did nothing. I guess what it took to snap me back to attention was the one thing I had never wished on her.

'Tara died. And Willow broke. No, she shattered. And though Xander helped bring her back, she still couldn't pick up the pieces. Not alone.

'I didn't know what to do. I tried. At least, I think I did. Maybe I could have tried harder; in fact, I'm sure I could have. And then came the worst of it.

'Kennedy. I never liked Kennedy. I tried to, for Willow's sake, since it was because of Willow that I didn't like her. This was different than Tara. I knew that Tara really loved Willow. And I could make excuses for why Tara had beat me to it. I was a girl, I was her best friend, I was scared, we were just in college. But Willow had given me every chance this time, just like she had many times before, and I didn't take any of them. And I had no excuse except my own selfishness, stubbornness, and fear.

'But then Kennedy was gone. And I still hadn't taken my chance. And then we found ourselves in such a position that I didn't have a choice - or perhaps it was that she didn't…

Flashback

I stood on the roof of the building, seeing the white circle of light spread out before me, such an awfully familiar scene. But this time it wasn't Dawn up here with me. I looked at Willow; she was staring at the light in near desperation; she knew, just as well as I did.

"I have to go," I told her. She shook her head.

"No."

"Wil, I have to. You know I do. I don't have a choice," I said softly. She shook her head again, forcefully.

"No!" She now turned to look at me, tears shining in her eyes. "No, Buffy. You're not leaving me again. I… I can't loose you again, Buffy."

I stared at her for a second. "There's no choice, Willow. I have to jump." I turned away from her to step towards the edge, but she grabbed my arm and spun me back around with surprising strength.

"Not without me."

I stared at her for a long moment. "Wills, I… you can't…"

"I can, and I will. I'm not going to loose you again. If you fall, I'm falling beside. If you jump, I'm jumping too. If you go, I'm going down with you. And you can't tell me not to."

I shook my head. I couldn't let Willow do this. She had a life ahead of her, and so much to live for…

"No I don't," she said firmly, and I almost laughed. Reading my mind. "I won't have a life, Buffy. Not without you."

I started to protest, but the look in her eyes told me I couldn't. She wouldn't listen. I sighed slightly and nodded, and she stepped up to stand beside me on the edge. I looked at her; there was fear in her eyes, but also determination.

"Buffy… If I don't… I've done so much… If I don't end up in heaven with you…"

"Then I'll be down there with you," I cut her off. "Wherever you go, Wil, I'll be there too. Because where you are, Willow… that's heaven to me."

She smiled at me, a few tears escaping her eyes. "I love you, Buffy."

Tears running down my own cheeks, I smiled back. "I love you too, Willow."

"No, I mean…" she leaned towards me, "I really love you…" and before I knew what was going on she was kissing me, gently, lovingly. My reaction was slightly delayed, but then I was kissing back, my eyes closed, my arms wrapping around her neck, and her arms around my waist. We finally pulled apart a bit, and she leaned her forehead against my shoulder, and I rested my chin on top of her head.

"And I really love you, too."

We stood like that for a minute or two before finally drawing apart, both looking back at the circle of light. I looked over at Willow. "Ready to go?"

She nodded. "Wherever you're going." I reached out and took her hand in mine, and she smiled at me. "On three?"

I nodded, and we counted together. "One, two… three!"

We jumped.

End Flashback

"Buffy?" Willow asked uncertainly, and Buffy looked at her and smiled.

"I regret…" she leaned in to kiss Willow tenderly, pulling back a moment later, "not doing that sooner."

Willow smiled. "Well… we've got time to make up for it, now."

Buffy nodded. "All the time in the world, Wills. We've got all the time in the world." She turned away from the headstone, leading Willow towards the cemetery gates. As they left together, the sunlight shone through the willow's leaves onto the headstone, making the gold-engraved words shimmer:

Elizabeth Anne Summers and Willow Danielle Rosenberg

1981 - 2004

Best Friends, True Loves

They are gone, but their love lives on forever.

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AN: This just sorta came to me today, and I had to write it. Don't know if it's good; it was a spur-of-the-moment thing. Please review! Oh, and I don't know why there was another one of those portal things she had to jump into… like I said, this was a rather sudden idea.


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